How to Have Conversations about Sexuality and Gender Identity with Your Child (Part 2)

Create an Open Dialogue by Showing Support Early on

            Hard conversations are easier to have with someone who feels like a safe space. For example, no one loves to have “the talk” with their kids, but it sure makes it easier if your communication is already healthy, open, and continuous to begin with. This also goes for conversations related to identity whether that’s sexuality and/or related to gender.

Top reasons that people don’t share information related to their identity with their parents are as follows: they worry their parent won’t accept them, they won’t understand, or it will change the relationship. Therefore, for example, if you show acceptance of changes in your child’s style, phases of friends and partners, informed decisions, and rotating interests, then your child will be less likely to fear rejection. If you are an active listener who validates others’ emotions, shows interest in their hobbies and relationships, and offers realistic and helpful advice only when asked, your child will be more likely to feel safe opening up to you with their own thoughts and feelings without the fear of judgment. If you are constantly critical, dismissive, invalidating, and invasive then children (and adolescents in particular) will be less likely to feel safe opening up in general. In conclusion, working on a parent-child relationship and finding healthy methods of communicating (both verbally and non-verbally) that work for you both is a good foundation to have to allow you to have an “open door” with your children.

“Coming Out”

            First and foremost, know that there is no right or wrong way to feel when your child comes out, or self-discloses, to you and there are many different emotions that may come up. Remember that it can be extremely difficult to grapple with this aspect of one’s identity – meaning that it is not “for attention” or “created on a whim” and should be taken seriously. For a healthy outcome, we want to ask open-ended questions to understand better, actively listen, express love and support, and maybe explore how to proceed together. For example, should we be using different pronouns or a different preferred name? Do they want other family members to know about their sexual orientation? Unless you want to enable confusion, shame, or embarrassment that may last into adulthood, do not refuse to accept or talk about their identity, cast blame, treat their self-disclosure as a joke, express doubts or negative feelings directly to your child, or tell other people outside of the network of people that your child is okay with knowing. If you are struggling with their identity, please seek support with counseling services or a parent support group. 

Continuation of Support – Be an Ally

Support and acceptance do not end after this one conversation or expression of “coming out” – being a true ally is ongoing. Continue to use the desired pronouns or name(s), continue to not assume the gender that they may be interested in, and continue to ask questions or give validation when this is needed. Support your child behind their back as well with family members or friends (who are allowed to know) by continuing to correct the misuse of pronouns or dead names, normalizing this aspect of identity, and not forcing contact between them and your child if they are not okay with your child’s identity. Your child may not want to come out to older family members who express old-fashioned beliefs, or at least not directly, so you can help them in this way as well.

Support does not have to look like buying your child rainbow everything, though they may have fun with this prospect! Support might look like assessing their mental health (as anxiety and depression rates are high in the LGBTQ+ community), going to rallies, educating yourself and then educating others, learning the different vocabulary and flags, wearing pins, speaking out against oppression or abuse, or just simply being there and accepting your child unconditionally for who they are.

-        Ciera Canaday, LCSW

Clinical Director and     Psychotherapist