Signs of Stress in Kids

I often hear adults deliver the joke, “What do they have to be stressed/upset about? They don’t pay bills or taxes!” when it comes to children or adolescents when they exhibit big feelings or “attitudes”. Sometimes when we reach adulthood, it is hard to remember that kids are just tiny humans who can experience their own version of stress. (“Stress” here is being used as a general term, but may also cover any mental health struggles such as anxiety and depression.) Young humans endure a lot of stress by just growing, learning, maturing, and generally navigating new experiences in a big world and within their relationships. And, don’t get me wrong, not all stress is bad. Sometimes stress motivates us to complete tasks or try our best when we really need to. However, some individuals have trouble adjusting to stress, good or bad, and when we are younger, we may not have all of the tools we need to understand what we are thinking and feeling enough to effectively cope with it. Not being able to cope may mean that there are certain “behaviors” or “attitudes” being exhibited by children that may be perceived as negative in some way.

What are some signs of stress in children?

Younger children, or older children with low insight, emotional intelligence, and/or communication, may have more physical manifestations of stress: stomachaches, headaches, low energy, etc. If your child is constantly in the nurse’s office or asking to come home early, take a moment to sit down with them and better understand their triggers, stressors, and things that they may be avoiding. Sometimes it is easy for guardians to feel frustrated with constantly leaving work to pick up their child who appears sick in school, but is then fine once they are home. However, we must not forget to stop for a moment and try to figure out the why. Maybe they are experiencing bullying, maybe they are struggling in math, or maybe it’s anxiety or grief… Behaviorally, they may refuse to go to school or appear as if they aren’t focusing in class as evidenced by notes home or issues with completing assignments. Kids may be having “an attitude.”

Adolescents are more capable of communication than the younger children, but may be less likely to go to a parent for help and more likely to rely on friends. This being said, another behavior to look out for is a self-isolating adolescent. I don’t mean just being in their room a lot, but wanting to talk or be around friends less. It is developmentally typical for teens to want to hide in their room for as long as they are home, but it is abnormal for them to start avoiding their friends. Similarly, if they stop wanting to do the things they usually enjoy or start over or under eating and sleeping, this could be another time to take a moment to try to communicate and understand the why. Yes, it is normal for teens to sleep 12 hours and eat a family size bag of chips sometimes. But is anything else different? Have they lost motivation? Are they saying self-deprecating things? Lastly, are there any changes with hygiene? Not every teenager is preoccupied with hygiene, but if they are usually showering, changing clothes, brushing their hair and teeth, then it seems that they stop… Check in on them.

You think your child is experiencing stress… Now what?

             You noticed some signs, so now for a conversation. This conversation doesn’t need to appear as an attack or confrontation. It can be as simple as, “Hey, I noticed that you haven’t been spending as much time with your friends lately and your grades have dropped. Is everything going okay? Is anything going on that I can help with?” And if they say anything, remember to listen and treat them like a human. Don’t patronize them, don’t invalidate them, don’t say anything that can seem judgmental. Just truly listen to them and offer assistance. And if your child does not want to talk about it? Just be there in the ways that they want you to be there. Not eating a lot? Find foods that they have an appetite for. Not showering as much? Buy dry shampoo and face wipes. Don’t want to talk to anyone but doesn’t want to be alone? Watch a movie together. By being there in any way, you are showing unconditional love and support while also teaching them how to adapt and cope effectively. They are learning that they can reach out for support and advocate for themselves to get their needs met. And if this goes on too long or starts to truly cause them distress or impact their functioning? Reach out for support with a professional. You can call Peninsula Child and Family Services today to start this process!

- Ciera Canaday, LCSW

Clinical Director and Psychotherapist